The Impact of Family Expectations on Self-Esteem

The expectations set by our family – whether unspoken or open – greatly influence our self-image and self-esteem. When parents set very high expectations or tie their love to conditions, a child's self-esteem becomes connected to performance and success. This conditional self-esteem may lead us to feel valuable only when we are successful and meet external expectations (Xu et al., 2022).

The Pressure to Conform and Mental Health

Family expectations can appear in different areas of our lives, such as school performance, social roles, or career choices. Many parents encourage us to achieve excellent results in school. While this can be positive, if it becomes too emphasized, it can easily lead to anxiety and create a feeling that our worth is solely based on our performance (Cohen, 2022).

In addition, families often prefer certain career paths and expect us to follow them. However, if our interests lie elsewhere, this can cause inner conflicts and stress.

Traditional social roles suggest that boys are strong and independent, while girls are nurturing. But those who do not fit these roles – like a more sensitive boy or a more ambitious girl – may often feel social pressure (Dicke et al., 2019).

The constant pressure to conform often triggers stress and anxiety, which can negatively affect our mental health in the long run. Studies show that those who feel they must constantly meet family expectations are more prone to anxiety, depression, and burnout (Froese and Klink, 2020).

How to Reduce the Pressure of Family Expectations?

1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

The anxiety caused by expectations is often based on negative, irrational beliefs, such as “I am not good enough” or “I must always conform.” With CBT, we learn how to identify and replace these with more positive and realistic thoughts (Beck, 2020).

2. Emotional Acceptance and Mindfulness

Mindfulness and emotional acceptance help us observe situations under pressure and expectations without judgment. This technique aids in accepting emotions and managing them without immediately reacting. This way, we learn to let go of expectations and focus on our own values and desires (Kabat-Zinn, 2013).

3. Strengthening Self-Esteem through Positive Reinforcement

One way to enhance self-esteem is by practicing positive self-affirmations. Affirmations are positive sentences that help transform the self-critical inner voice, like “I am valuable regardless of my performance” or “I am enough as I am.” This can be particularly helpful when we feel we only deserve love if we meet certain expectations (Wood et al., 2009).

4. Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness Training

Assertive communication allows us to establish healthy boundaries and assertively, yet respectfully, express our needs and desires. Setting boundaries helps ensure that there is balance between external expectations and our personal needs (Neff, 2011).

In the long run, the pressure to conform can cause constant stress that can seriously deteriorate mental health.

These expectations cause tension that over time exhausts our energy reserves, depriving us of inner balance and joy in life. Recognizing and managing this is essential to maintaining our physical and mental balance!

References

Beck, A. T. (2020). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. New York: Penguin.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson.

Cohen, A. (2022). Exploring parental expectations for children’s educational degree attainment and its relationship with a child’s actual educational degree, parental involvement in the college search process, and a child’s overall well-being. The International Young Researchers’ Conference.

Dicke, A.-L., Safavian, N., & Eccles, J. S. (2019). Traditional gender role beliefs and career attainment in STEM: A gendered story?. Frontiers in Psychology, 10.

Froese, J., & Klink, C. (2020). Parental pressure and young adults' mental health. Journal of Adolescence, 79, 31-41.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Mindfulness for Beginners. Sounds True.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: HarperCollins.

Wood, J. V., Perunovic, W. Q., & Lee, J. W. (2009). Positive self-statements: Power for some, peril for others. Psychological Science, 20(7), 860-866.

Xu, L.; Ma, L.; Duang, P. (2022). Relationship Between Perceived Parental Academic Expectations and Students' Self-Regulated Learning Ability: A Cross-Sectional Study. Frontiers, 13.