Stockholm syndrome in relationships: why does it develop and what are its signs?

The Stockholm syndrome in relationships is much more common than we would initially think. Many live in relationships where they suffer, yet they protect their partner. From the outside, it may seem incomprehensible, but from the inside, it often feels like a logical survival strategy. This article is about how Stockholm syndrome appears in relationships, why it develops, and what signs may indicate it. The psychological standpoint is clear: this is not love, but an adaptive reaction to an emotionally dangerous environment.

Main takeaway

• Stockholm syndrome in relationships is a psychological adaptation to abuse.

• The affected person often protects the abuser while neglecting themselves.

• Realization and asking for help are essential for leaving.

What is Stockholm syndrome?

Stockholm syndrome was originally coined to describe extreme situations where the victim emotionally bonds with their captor. 

The purpose of the bonding is survival. 

The affected person tries to create a sense of security where there is actually danger.

In relationships, this dynamic appears more subtly. There is no physical captivity, yet a strong emotional dependency develops. One party harms, controls, or devalues the other. The other party increasingly adapts to this. The relationship becomes the only anchor, even if it causes pain.

The development of Stockholm syndrome

Stockholm syndrome in relationships does not occur overnight. It builds up gradually over a longer period, with the dynamics of the relationship creating the conditions for it.

At the beginning of the relationship, there is often intense closeness and idealization. Later, the first boundary crossings appear: 

• jealous comments

• small demands

• hurt feelings when you say no

Initially, these seem small, and can still be explained away. The affected person often doesn't even consider them as abuse. Over time, however, these boundary crossings become more frequent and occupy more emotional space. The dynamics of the relationship gradually change, replacing the former sense of security with uncertainty. The affected person increasingly adapts while neglecting their own boundaries.

Power and control dynamics

The abuser gradually increases control. This can happen through jealousy, emotional blackmail, or isolation. The other party experiences less and less freedom of decision. The balance in the relationship becomes disrupted.

For example, jealousy initially appears as “just” veiled accusations or suspicions. Later, however, it becomes a confrontation, requiring explanations, and 

slowly dictates who can be associated with, when, and how. 

Control often doesn't appear as prohibitions, but as expectations: what is appropriate to say, how to behave, how to “keep the peace.” 

Isolation often happens unnoticed. Initially, there's conflict with friends or family; later, it seems exhausting to meet them because it always creates tension. Eventually, the relationship becomes experienced as the only safe space, while everything else is gradually pushed into the background.

Trauma bonding

Trauma bonding is an emotional attachment pattern that develops in abusive, unpredictable, or emotionally dangerous relationships. Its essence is that the affected person is not attached to safety but to the person who alternates between causing pain and relief.

The alternation between abuse and love creates a strong emotional bond, a deep dependency. The rare positive moments give hope. 

In trauma bonding, it’s common:

• strong attachment while suffering is present

• guilt at the thought of distancing oneself

• fear of abandonment, even in cases of abuse

Emotional defense mechanisms

The psyche tries to reduce internal tension. One way is to reinterpret the situation. 

The affected person begins to excuse the partner's behavior. 

This way, facing reality is less painful. Part of this process may include the abused person starting to seek their own responsibility for the situation, and as they say, anything that is sought for will be found… 

Over time, the affected person thinks like this:

• “If I did things better, there wouldn’t be a problem…”

• “I must have been the cause…”

• “This isn’t such a big deal, if that’s how they want it, that’s how I’ll do it…”

This is not a conscious decision. It's a self-defense explanation, because it makes the situation seem more controllable.

Loss of self-esteem and identity

Continuous criticism and uncertainty can destroy self-worth and confidence. The affected person loses the self-image they had before the relationship. Their own needs are pushed into the background, as the partner's reactions become decisive.

Characteristics of Stockholm syndrome in relationships

The signs are often not noticeable. They often seem like everyday conflicts. But together, they form a recognizable pattern.

• Regularly excusing abusive behavior

• Strong guilt when expressing own needs

• Rejecting or trivializing external help

• Fear of being alone, even with significant grievances

• The feeling that there's no life without the partner

The abuser is often not always aggressive. At times they are kind, attentive, and remorseful. These moments reinforce hope. Thus, the relationship becomes an emotional trap.

However, it is important to highlight that these signs indicate that the attachment is no longer safe. At this point, Stockholm syndrome in relationships can be a realistic explanation.

What is the difference between Stockholm syndrome and trauma bonding?

In most abusive relationships:

1. trauma bonding develops first

2. if it persists for a long time and isolation adds to it

3. then a Stockholm syndrome pattern can emerge

So:

• not every trauma bond is Stockholm syndrome

• but Stockholm syndrome almost always builds on trauma bonding

Trauma bonding describes a relational and neurological process that outlines how emotional attachment forms and is maintained in an abusive or unpredictable relationship. It focuses on what mechanisms operate in the background, like intermittent reinforcement and the stress-relief cycle, and how the nervous system adapts to this. This is not a diagnosis but a pattern of operation.

In contrast, Stockholm syndrome is a psychological condition or adaptation pattern that shows where this process goes in extreme situations. Here, the emphasis is on the developing internal narrative and the distortion of reality perception:

In trauma bonding:

“I know they hurt me, but I'm attached to them.”

In Stockholm syndrome:

“They are not abusive. Others don't understand.”

Here, it's not just emotional attachment but strong identification happening, where the affected person identifies with the abuser and defends them. It describes the outcome of the process, not the operation itself.

In dysfunctional relationships, a frequently discussed topic today is narcissistic personality disorder. In narcissistic relationships, the alternation between idealization and devaluation is also often present. This especially favors the development of Stockholm syndrome, as the affected person can easily lose their own sense of reality in such a situation.

Consequences and dangers

A prolonged abusive relationship can have serious and multifaceted psychological and mental consequences. In addition to anxiety and depression, post-traumatic symptoms often appear, especially in the case of long-term emotional abuse. In such cases, heightened readiness, emotional numbness, avoidance, and recurrent intrusive memories may develop. Many affected show a pattern characteristic of complex PTSD (C-PTSD), marked by persistent self-esteem disturbances, feelings of shame, and relationship distrust. 

Along with mental strain, there can be physical symptoms like sleep disorders or chronic stress, and the longer the dynamics continue, the harder it is to exit.

What to do?

In the case of Stockholm syndrome, the first and most important step is recognition. Not labeling it as “I am in an abusive relationship,” but realizing that 

the feelings and reactions experienced in the relationship are not natural components of love. 

This is often a slow process, because the affected person is emotionally strongly attached to their partner, so leaving rarely happens overnight. Intentional planning and support are necessary, as emotional separation takes time. 

What if a friend suffers from Stockholm syndrome?

As outsiders, we are in a particularly difficult position if a friend is in such a situation. We often clearly see the problem while the affected person defends their partner. In such cases, it is important to understand that this is not denial or stubbornness, but part of Stockholm syndrome.

The greatest help is not to argue with their experiences. Saying “but this is abuse,” while they still don't experience it that way or know it but can't accept it, can easily lead to distancing. 

It is better to respond to their feelings: that they are tired, uncertain, anxious, or lonely.

It may be helpful to use sentences that do not judge, but leave room for thought. For example, asking how they feel in the relationship or what it gives them and what it takes away. The goal is not persuasion, but to make them feel they are not alone and have somewhere to turn.

Psychological support for those suffering from Stockholm syndrome

Recovery is possible but requires patience. Rebuilding identity and self-confidence is crucial. Processing the past helps prevent recurrence, and a particularly empathetic and accepting, stable and competent psychologist can greatly assist in this. 

The primary role of psychological support is to provide a safe space for the unspeakable. 

In such relationships, the affected person often no longer trusts their own feelings and judgments. Therapy helps reconnect with these. With professional support, it is gradually possible to map out how the attachment developed, what patterns sustain it, and what fears are associated with the thought of leaving. 

Therapy does not start with breaking up; first, there is neurological calming, strengthening self-esteem, and relearning boundaries. Without these, leaving often feels too frightening or impossible.

In the long term, psychological work can help process the impacts of the relationship, rebuild self-identity, and prevent the development of a similar dynamic. The goal is not just closing the relationship but regaining inner freedom.

Is breaking up the only solution? 

A relationship with Stockholm syndrome dynamics could theoretically become healthy, but in practice, this rarely happens. Both parties would need to change simultaneously and consistently. 

From the affected person's side, recognizing that the attachment is not safe is necessary, as well as regaining independent reality perception with external, independent support. It's essential to have real room to say no and maintain boundaries. 

From the abuser's side, acknowledging behavior clearly without excuses, ending control and manipulation, and maintaining consistent, long-term change are basic requirements. 

Experience shows that while promises are often made, lasting change rarely happens. Transformation is unrealistic if 

• the abuser denies or relativizes events, 

• shifts blame onto the affected person, 

• change only appears during crises, 

• or the relationship remains isolating and fear-based.

In such cases, maintaining the relationship typically deepens the psychological harm.

Frequently asked questions

When is external intervention needed for Stockholm syndrome?
When emotional or physical safety is compromised, and the affected person cannot exit alone.

Could this just be a bad relationship?
It could be, but if the abuse is regular and excused, it may be more than that.

What is the difference between narcissistic and abusive behavior?
Abusive behavior describes specific behavior patterns that create control and power superiority in the relationship, while narcissistic behavior is a personality dynamic that often, but not necessarily, leads to abusive behavior.

How do I ask for help if I suspect this?
The first step is to turn to a professional, where we can express the unspoken in a safe environment with maximum discretion.

How can I recognize it in myself?
If you regularly justify your partner's behavior while suffering, it’s worth seeking help.

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