Self-confidence: Myths and Facts through the Lens of Psychology

Confidence is often a desired but misunderstood treasure. Many think that those who have it always step forward confidently, decide easily, and emerge victorious from every situation. But is it really that simple? 

According to psychology, confidence is much more nuanced – and the good news is, it can be developed. In this article, we will explore the most common myths and the reality as shown by research and therapeutic experiences.

• Confidence is not innate, but can be learned and developed.

• Experiences stemming from childhood shape it, but as adults, we can consciously build it.

• Confidence-boosting exercises combined with professional involvement are effective.

Confidence is not a fixed trait

Many think of confidence as something you either have or you don't. However, this is a misconception. Confidence is an internal state that is shaped from childhood experiences through adult feedback to the relationship we maintain with ourselves.

In psychology, confidence refers to how much we trust in our own abilities, decisions, and our capability to face upcoming challenges. This trust is not determined at birth; it is learnable, developable, and reframable. It evolves with our experiences, relationships, and internal dialogues.

Confidence is not equal to arrogance

Many mistake loud, dominant behavior for confidence. Yet real confidence can be quiet. It is not characterized by the desire for attention, exaggeration, or loud ego, but by an inner stability.

One of the main signs of healthy confidence is that it doesn't seek to place itself above others; it's comfortable with its own ground. Such a person is strong not because they suppress others, but because they don't feel the constant need to prove themselves. 

It allows for mistakes, questions, and restarting.

Confidence doesn't lead to success

Many believe that the key to success is confidence. However, research shows the opposite is often true. When someone experiences success – whether it’s a project at work, achieving a personal goal, or succeeding in a relationship – that is what boosts confidence.

This is good news: you don’t have to be “perfectly ready” before getting started. Action, small victories, and feedback lead to the feeling within us that we are capable.

Causes and consequences of lack of confidence

The lack of confidence is not an individual weakness; it often stems from deep, old experiences.

It can be criticism received in childhood, rejection, hurt, comparison.

There can be patterns we observed in our parents, and because of how they have seeped in unnoticed: “I’m not good enough,” “don’t get too full of yourself,” “don’t ask for more.”

The lack of confidence is not always obvious. Often, it appears through hidden behaviors and long-term limits the quality of life:

1. Indecisiveness and procrastination

If we don’t trust our own judgment, anxiety, doubt, and excessive consideration arise before every decision. This results in decisions being postponed or shifted onto others, further deteriorating the experience of self-reliance.

2. Excessive need to conform

A person with low self-esteem often adjusts to others’ expectations. They find it hard to say no, avoid confrontation, and put their own needs aside – all to feel acceptable.

3. Relationship difficulties

Someone who doesn’t believe in their own lovability may tend to subordinate themselves, sacrifice, or become overly dependent on others. Lack of confidence can distort our approach to intimacy as well – we fear showing ourselves or think, “they only love me as long as...”

4. Performance block or overdrive

Some are held back by lack of confidence – they don’t attempt, don’t apply, don’t speak up. Others overachieve, constantly want to prove themselves, chase recognition. They seem successful but are inwardly insecure – and can easily burn out.

5. Anxiety, depression, physical symptoms

Lack of confidence can have long-term mental and physical consequences: increased anxiety, mood disorders, sleep problems, and even chronic fatigue or psychosomatic symptoms can occur.

Building confidence in adulthood

Good news is that the development of confidence doesn’t end in adolescence. Our adult experiences – especially if we work with them consciously – also shape our self-esteem.

How a person’s confidence develops is not influenced by biological gender – it rather depends on childhood experiences, parental feedback, sibling relationships or on how important adults reacted to us.

A child who was consistently underestimated, compared to their sibling, or always expected to handle more than they could, regardless of gender, can become either lacking in confidence or performance-driven. 

The wounds are not “boy” or “girl” wounds – they are human.

Building confidence in adulthood often occurs simultaneously from three directions: through independent learning, conscious practice, and professional support. These are not separate paths but complementary opportunities – depending on where we are in our self-discovery process, and the depth of our blockages.

With books

Psychology-related books can be good entry points. They help us recognize that we are not alone in our uncertainty and that confidence is not a given but a shapeable skill. A thought, story, or example can resonate with us and spark self-reflection. Reading helps us see ourselves from a different perspective and provides tools for thinking differently about our own value.

Recommended:
Nathaniel Branden: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

With exercises

Exercises help integrate realizations into our daily lives. These can be, for example:

• keeping a positive journal where we regularly record what went well that day;

• setting realistic goals and gradually achieving them;

• consciously transforming negative internal dialogue;

• exercising, which enhances not only resilience but also the sense of self-efficacy;

• mindful nutrition, sleep, and routine, which provide a foundation for a balanced mental state.

These exercises may seem small, but they build the experience long-term: “I can do it,” “I can influence my own life” – which is a foundation of confidence.

With professional help

However, when lack of confidence stems from deeper patterns, childhood experiences, or internal blocks, it’s worth seeking professional help. In therapy, there’s a chance to explore where the insecurity originates from, what we internalized about ourselves as children (“I’m not good enough,” “I can’t succeed”), and how to rewrite these internal schemas. 

The relationship with a therapist itself can be healing: a safe, accepting relationship where we can rediscover our value – not because of our performance, but simply by existing.

Building confidence is therefore not a quick intervention, but a gradual internal transformation. It can sometimes be painful, as we face the old messages that hold us back. But every realization, every small success, every “look how I did this differently” brings us closer to creating inner stability.

Boosting confidence in children

It has become clear that confidence is not something we're born with, but something that develops. 

Childhood is like a psychological foundation: parents, teachers, adults, peers, coaches – their feedback, reactions, presence, or absence all shape the child’s self-image. 

This is why it’s especially important how we support children's confidence, because it doesn’t just matter now, but impacts their entire adult life.

Don’t just praise, reflect

Many believe that flooding a child with praise is the best way to boost their confidence. Yet excessive, general praise (“you’re clever,” “you’re the best”) can create uncertainty. Children can be confused by inconsistent behavior since they instinctively know that there's no actual reason for the praise.

Instead, it’s much more effective to reflect concrete things:
“You really focused on your reading today, even when it was tough.”
“I saw you comforted your sibling. It was nice to witness that.”
“I noticed you didn't give up, even though it was hard.”

Such feedback isn’t about the “good child,” but acknowledges the child’s internal processes. That’s what truly lays the foundation for confidence.

Mistakes are allowed – in fact, necessary

Healthy confidence doesn't come from always succeeding at something. It comes from being able to try, make mistakes, and start over again.

If a child experiences that they can make mistakes without being shamed and that they’re not left alone when something doesn’t work out, it gradually builds in them: “I might not have succeeded this time, but I'm still valuable.”

Parents often make the mistake of stepping in too soon – solving the task, arranging the conflict, sparing the child from disappointment. Yet it’s precisely these situations that would develop persistence, resilience, and belief in oneself.

Responsibility, independence, competence

Confidence strengthens when a child experiences that they can impact the world. This requires age-appropriate autonomy and decision-making opportunities.

This can be as simple as:

• Choosing their socks in the morning.

• Deciding which book to read at bedtime.

• Trying to organize their toys alone, even if something falls over in the process.

The more experiences like these they have, the more it builds in them: “I can do things,” “I have a say,” “I’m capable of something” - so their confidence grows.

Examples and role models: what do they see around them?

Children learn not just from what we tell them, but from what they see us do every day. If they witness a parent constantly criticizing themselves, excessively conforming to others, or hesitating to stand by their own opinion, that’s what they'll learn as the norm.

But if they see an adult making mistakes but not falling apart, daring to ask for help, laughing at themselves, able to start over, and remaining lovable throughout, that becomes the norm for them as well.

Modeled confidence is always more authentic than “spoken” confidence.

The rhythm of upbringing: don’t rush, but accompany

Building a child’s confidence isn’t a “project” to be completed as quickly as possible. It’s a long, organic process, during which a child fluctuates, sometimes retracts, other times overcompensates, and often tests how far they can go.

The parent’s role is not to solve everything, but to accompany, hold up a mirror, and be there.

In summary:

Childhood confidence doesn’t stem from big words but from many tiny experiences:

• when the child feels that what they say matters,

• when they can make mistakes and not fall out of relationships,

• when they can decide on something and experience its effects,

• when they don’t need to prove anything, just be.

If they receive enough of these experiences, later on – even in tougher times – they can draw on these internal resources. This not only determines childhood but the entire life.

The role of confidence in therapy

The question of confidence arises in most therapeutic processes sooner or later – either as an overt topic or in a more hidden way. Because how someone perceives themselves, believes in their own feelings, thoughts, and decisions fundamentally determines their life management, relationships, and even whether they start therapy at all.

Just the decision to ask for help is an act of confidence practice – initially towards others, but indirectly towards oneself too. Those who come to therapy often don’t trust their own instincts, worth, or whether their feelings are valid at all.

Therefore, one of the first tasks is for the client to reconnect with their own inner world. 

The therapist doesn’t give advice or evaluations, but rather asks questions, reflects back, validates. In this accepting, non-judgmental space, the realization begins to strengthen: “What I feel matters. What I think is important. I am valuable.” 

Therapy also provides an opportunity to become aware of and rewrite negative internal voices and dialogues. The goal of this process is not to become overly confident but to build a realistic, internally driven self-esteem.

Thus, confidence doesn’t move at a constant level that we achieve once – it is built anew, transformed, sometimes weakened, sometimes strengthened. We don’t have to be perfect, but we need to connect to ourselves. That’s where it all begins.

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