If you've ever had these questions pop up in your mind after a conflict or conversation, especially with someone important to you, you might have experienced a psychological manipulation called gaslighting. This behavior doesn’t involve shouting or overt harm—it’s much more subtle: quietly, gradually embedding itself into relationships. It causes you to start questioning your own reality without even noticing.

What does gaslighting mean?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulative behavior where someone, knowingly or unknowingly, tries to influence another person to the point where they doubt their own feelings, memories, or perceptions.

The goal is nothing less than destroying the victim’s self-confidence and distorting their perception of reality (Stern, 2007).

The term originates from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which the film adaptation features a husband who intentionally tries to drive his wife insane by actions like dimming the gas lights and then denying any change occurred. The woman begins to doubt her sanity.

In today’s world, there’s no need to dim gaslights to confuse someone—a few repeated sentences suffice: “You’re overreacting.”; “That’s just how you see it.”; “You misunderstood again”; “I never said that.”

When and where does gaslighting occur?

This manipulative approach can appear in any relationship, whether romantic, parent-child, workplace, or even friendships. It’s particularly frequent in situations where one party seeks power dominance or wishes to control the other (Sweet, 2019).

Gaslighting isn’t merely an individual affair but often intertwines with societal patterns. Power imbalances, such as gender role expectations or patriarchal structures, can provide breeding grounds for this form of emotional manipulation.

Maintaining control, belittling the other’s perceptions and feelings often doesn’t happen by chance but fits well within dominance and obedience-based relationship scripts (Sweet, 2019).

Romantic Relationships

Gaslighting in romantic relationships often surfaces subtly and gradually: the partner initially just questions the other’s feelings (“Are you sure that’s how you experienced it?”), later denies or distorts past events entirely (“I never said that”, “You're imagining it”). The victim slowly loses trust in their own perceptions and increasingly aligns their reality with their partner’s interpretation.

Since intimacy and emotional bonding are present in romantic relationships, the impact of gaslighting is particularly damaging: the dependence on emotions and the longing for love make it difficult to distance oneself or exit the relationship. This dynamic often repeats cyclically, where manipulation is followed by temporary apologies, kindness, or emotional closeness, which can further confuse the victim (Sweet, 2019).

Parent-Child Relationship

Gaslighting can also appear in parent-child relationships. A parent might repeatedly question a child’s memories and feelings (“You just made that up”, “I never said that”), which can long-term shake a child’s perception of reality and self-confidence. These patterns can reactivate in adulthood, especially in relationships where the partner uses similar mechanisms (Sweet, 2019).

Workplace Relationships

Gaslighting isn’t confined to intimate relationships. It can occur in the workplace, particularly in hierarchical relationships. A supervisor might consistently deny past decisions or blame subordinates for things that aren’t their fault. This kind of psychological manipulation can undermine an employee’s sense of reality, performance, and self-esteem, especially if others side with the abuser (Rayner & Cooper, 2003).

Digital Space

Gaslighting also exists in the digital space, often in more difficult-to-identify forms. An offender might delete past messages, deny video calls, or alter the course of online conversations, causing the victim to start doubting their own memories. Cyber gaslighting is particularly hard to detect and often further isolates the victim from their own reality (Henry & Powell, 2018).

Who Uses Gaslighting?

Gaslighting isn’t exclusive to those with mental illnesses, yet research suggests it’s often linked to certain personality traits.

It can be particularly characteristic of those showing narcissistic, avoidant, or antisocial tendencies—those who struggle with criticism, lack empathy, or seek to avoid emotional vulnerability.

These individuals often can’t take responsibility for their own mistakes, and through blame or distorting the other’s perception of reality, they try to maintain control in the relationship (Glasser & Egan, 2008).

However, it’s important to emphasize that gaslighting isn’t always conscious or intentional abuse. It’s often a learned behavior deeply rooted in dynamics experienced during childhood or dysfunctional relationship patterns.

It happens that the person practicing it doesn’t even realize how negatively their behavior affects the other’s self-image and perception of reality (Stark, 2018; Sweet, 2019).

This is especially true in cases where emotional manipulation was normalized in the person’s past experiences, such as growing up with controlling or emotionally unavailable parents.

Who Can Be a Victim?

Gaslighting is never the victim’s fault, and the responsibility always lies with the manipulative party. However, psychological research points out that certain personality traits and past experiences can make someone more vulnerable to this type of emotional abuse.

People who are particularly empathetic, highly adaptable, tend to avoid conflict, or live with low self-esteem often choose other’s perspectives over their own.

This is especially true if they learned in childhood that their feelings are invalid, or if they encountered rejection, inconsistency, or excessive criticism rather than safe relationships. With such a background, they’re more easily swayed in their perceptions and more prone to blame themselves for arising conflicts or uncertainties (Breines, 2022).

The manipulative party exploits this openness and tendency for self-overriding to gradually establish control. A key element of gaslighting is that it’s not a one-time event but a recurring, nearly imperceptibly intensifying process, wherein the victim learns to undervalue their own compass and increasingly relies on the other party’s reality.

Why Do They Do It?

The main driving force behind gaslighting is to gain or maintain control over the other person. Someone who successfully casts doubt over their partner’s feelings, memories, or perceptions finds it easier to dictate their will in the relationship. In such dynamics, the victim gradually loses their internal sense of security and autonomy, becoming more influenceable, more controllable, and—from the abuser’s perspective—“more manageable” (Dutton & Painter, 1993; Dutton & Goodman, 2005).

Often the tool of manipulation serves to help the perpetrator avoid accountability for their behavior.

Instead of facing their mistakes, criticism, or emotional vulnerability, they shift the focus onto the other: “you’re overreacting,” “you misunderstood,” “it’s your fault.”

This allows them to sustain the illusion of superiority and preserve their positive self-image, whether in front of others or themselves. The distortion of reality, therefore, doesn’t always stem from conscious malice but often serves to cover up one’s own insecurities, self-esteem issues, or emotional immaturity (Dutton & Painter, 1993).

The abuser often positions themselves as the voice of reason, the “reality” while deeming the partner’s feelings as irrational or exaggerated. This enables them to dominate the shared narrative and solidify their dominance, not only before the victim but also in the eyes of outsiders (family, friends, authorities). At the same time, the dynamic force field strengthens, where the manipulated party gradually loses their sense of reality and their ability to evaluate independently (Stark, 2018; Sweet, 2019).

What Does the Victim Experience?

Those who live in gaslighting-burdened relationships long-term gradually lose their inner sense of security and identity.

The constant manipulation, questioning of their reality, and ongoing emotional uncertainty weakens their self-confidence, making it increasingly difficult to distinguish what actually happened versus what the partner is distorting or denying. In this situation, doubt becomes a constant companion: they doubt their memories, feelings, and judgment.

This state leads to deep internal conflicts overshadowed by guilt, shame, anxiety, and hopelessness (Sweet, 2019).

Imagine a woman who listens to her partner for years uttering phrases such as: “you always overreact”, “you’re just imagining things”, “there’s nothing wrong, you’re just overreacting.” These aren’t just words, but tools that gradually weaken her self-worth and perception of reality. Over time, she starts to believe that she’s indeed the problem, that her feelings aren’t valid or are exaggerated. Consequently, she becomes less likely to express her opinions or share her feelings, fearing rejection or belittlement.

This process leads to isolation: the victim gradually distances themselves from the outside world, becomes distrustful of their own decisions, and increasingly relies on others' opinions, losing their own independent judgment. The psychological burden on the person living under the influence of gaslighting grows steadily, and this continuous tension can easily cause chronic stress, which may lead to disorders such as anxiety disorders, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Such a mental state can result in a crisis of self-worth or identity loss, further complicating the victim’s exit from the abusive relationship (Sweet, 2019).

How to Escape the Grip of Gaslighting?

(Learning Network, n.d.)

1. The First Step: Recognition

Acknowledgment is key. Observe whether the situations where you doubt your own perceptions or feelings are recurring. Do you often feel confused or uncertain after a conversation?

2. Journaling

Write down the specific situations, what the other person said, and how you felt. This helps in reclaiming your sense of reality and highlights patterns.

3. Setting Boundaries

Learn to say: “I experienced it differently,” “I have a right to my feelings.” These simple but firm statements can define the mental space you don’t wish to yield.

4. External Feedback

Talk to trustworthy people—friends, a therapist, a supportive community. They can confirm that what you’re experiencing is real, and you’re not alone.

Therapeutic Support

Gaslighting can inflict serious damage on self-image over time. Therapy, like schema therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or trauma processing methods can assist. The goal of therapy is not just to leave the victim role but also to rebuild internal security and assertiveness.

Gaslighting is an insidious, invisible form of abuse that often occurs over years. Yet, there is a way out. The key is recognition, validating our own feelings, gradually rebuilding confidence, and the conscious protection of relationship boundaries.

You're not overly sensitive. You’re not imagining things. And you are not alone.

Everyone has the right to feel safe in their relationships—and the first step toward this is believing that what we feel matters.

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References

Breines, J. (2022). Why Some People Gaslight More Than Others. Psychology Today.

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.

Dutton, M. A., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles, 52(11-12), 743–756.

Glasser, I., & Egan, V. (2008). Narcissism and the use of manipulation tactics. Personality and Individual Differences, 44(6), 1368–1375.

Henry, N., & Powell, A. (2018). Technology-Facilitated Sexual Violence: A Literature Review of Empirical Research. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(2), 195-208.

Learning Network. (n.d.). Gaslighting in intimate relationships. Centre for Research & Education on Violence Against Women & Children.

Rayner, C., & Cooper, C. L. (2003). Workplace Bullying: Myth or Reality—Can We Afford to Ignore It? Leadership & Organization Development Journal, 24(1), 24-30.

Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony Books.

Stark, E. (2018). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.