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The lack of empathy in a relationship is a painful and hard-to-pin-down experience for many people. It often does not show up as an argument, but as a quiet distance. In these moments, it feels like you are not seen and not understood. This article is about why this state develops, and how it can be changed. Fortunately, empathy can be developed, and in many cases the relationship can improve.
Main message:
Empathy is not an inborn, fixed ability, but a skill that can be developed.
Behind a lack of empathy there are often learned patterns or emotional overload.
With conscious effort and the right tools, the relationship can become close again.
When you do not feel understood
One of the loneliest experiences is when you feel alone even next to your partner. You tell them what hurts, but you do not get a real response. The other person may react, but they do not connect with your feelings.
This state develops slowly. At first, only small misunderstandings appear. Later, however, emotional distance becomes more and more common.
Many people ask at this point: “What should I do if my partner does not understand me emotionally?” The answer is not simple, but the first step is recognizing the situation. A lack of empathy does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship.
What is empathy, and why is it so important in a relationship?
Empathy means being able to place yourself in the other person’s feelings. You do not have to agree with them, but you understand what they are going through. This is different from sympathy, which is more like compassion:
Empathy
It means you can put yourself into the other person’s feelings.
You try to understand what the other person is going through - as if you were walking a little in their shoes.
You do not just feel sorry for them, you feel it too (or at least come close to it).
Example: “I can imagine how hard this must be for you.”
Sympathy
It means you feel for the other person, but you stay outside the situation.
It is more pity or compassion, not deep emotional sharing.
Example: “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
An important difference is empathy vs. lack of sympathy in a relationship. Someone can be kind and supportive and still not deeply understand the other person’s emotions. In the long run, this can create tension.
There is also cognitive empathy. This means understanding on an intellectual level:
Cognitive empathy
It means you understand what the other person feels, but you do not necessarily feel it yourself.
It is more of a mental understanding: you can see into the other person’s thinking and point of view.
It is like being empathetic in your head, not in your heart.
Example: “I understand that you are angry right now because the situation feels unfair to you.”
Cognitive empathy on its own is not always warm or compassionate — for example, a good negotiator or even a manipulative person can be strong in it, because they read other people’s feelings well.
A lack of cognitive empathy in a relationship often leads to misunderstandings. In this case, the partner can easily feel that they are not understood, even if the other person has good intentions. This can create emotional distance, because the feelings behind the spoken words get "lost". In the long run, this can also lead to a loss of trust if the partners do not learn to consciously interpret each other’s point of view.
Empathy is vital in a relationship because it helps you truly understand the other person’s feelings and needs, not just react to them.
This creates the basis for emotional safety, where both people feel accepted and heard.
Without empathy, conflicts can easily deepen, while with it, even difficult situations can bring partners closer together.
How does a lack of empathy show up in a relationship?
A lack of empathy in a relationship can show up in many ways. Sometimes subtly, sometimes very clearly. The signs below can help you recognize the problem.
Communication signs
Frequent interrupting
Giving advice instead of listening
Minimizing feelings
Comments like “You’re overreacting”
These patterns show that the other person is not connecting with your feelings.
Emotional signs
Coldness or distance
Difficulty expressing emotions
Appearance of alexithymia and relationship problems
With alexithymia, the person has difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings. This can be a serious challenge in a relationship.
The person affected often cannot clearly say what they feel, which may seem distant or indifferent to their partner.
This can — logically — lead to misunderstandings and emotional emptiness if there is no conscious communication and patience. At the same time, with proper attention and growth, these difficulties can be eased.
In conflict situations
During conflict, empathy is especially important. If it is missing, the argument quickly gets worse. The partners do not understand each other’s point of view.
A lack of empathy in a relationship then shows up mostly as attack and defense.
What causes a lack of empathy?
There is rarely just one cause behind a lack of empathy. Usually, it is shaped by several factors together. Understanding these helps you see not only the symptoms, but also the real causes.
A lack of empathy in a relationship is often not intentional hurt. It is more often a way of functioning that the person brings with them, or that their current life situation shapes. That is why change is only possible if we recognize the underlying causes.
Learned patterns and family background
Childhood experiences strongly shape empathy skills. In many families, expressing emotions was not accepted. In these cases, the child learns to suppress their feelings. As an adult, they then struggle to connect with other people’s emotions.
If someone was not listened to, later they will not easily listen to others either.
This is not malice, but learned behavior.
It is also common that parents focused more on problem-solving. As a result, the person learns to “solve”, but not to “feel with” others. This can later lead to communication difficulties.
Emotional exhaustion and stress
Long-term stress significantly reduces empathy. When someone is overloaded, their nervous system switches to defensive mode. In that state, the focus is on survival, not on connection.
This is especially true during work pressure or a life crisis. At such times, even a basically empathetic person can become more closed off. Their partner often experiences this as rejection.
It is important to see that this state can also be temporary.
If stress decreases, empathy can return as well.
That is why it is worth looking at the life situation too, not just the behavior.
Personality and attachment factors
Personality and attachment style strongly influence empathy. People with an avoidant attachment style, for example, find it harder to open up. Emotional closeness often feels uncomfortable to them.
Another important topic today is narcissistic personality disorder, if we are already talking about personality factors. The lack of empathy in a narcissistic partner often comes from deeper personality patterns. Their attention is often focused on themselves. This clearly makes it harder to take in the other person’s feelings.
Defense mechanisms and emotional walls
Many people unconsciously shut themselves off from other people’s feelings. This is often the result of earlier hurts. Empathy can then feel dangerous.
If someone has been hurt in relationships many times, they may learn to avoid deep connection. This is a form of self-protection. It helps in the short term, but creates distance in the long term.
A lack of empathy in a relationship can therefore even be part of an inner defense system. Change then needs to happen gradually and with safety.
How does a lack of empathy affect the relationship?
A lack of empathy slowly damages the relationship. At first, only small emotional injuries appear. Later, however, they add up.
Trust decreases, communication becomes superficial. One partner withdraws more and more. The other often does not understand what is happening.
In the long run, this leads to emotional distance. The relationship may continue formally, but closeness disappears.
Lack of empathy vs. an unhealthy relationship - do not mix them up!
Not every lack of empathy means a toxic relationship. It is important to make a distinction: even in a basically stable relationship, such periods can happen.
In a unhealthy relationship, however, hurt is regular. Here, besides a lack of empathy, other problems are also present. For example, control or manipulation.
That is why it is important to assess the situation accurately. Not every problem can be solved in the same way. First, ask yourself:
What should I do if my husband does not understand me emotionally?
It is worth first calmly, without judgment, putting your own feelings and needs into words, because often it is not the intention that is missing, but the way of understanding. If you make room for honest communication and even learn new ways of connecting together, it can bring you closer.
Developing empathy in adulthood - because that is possible too
Empathy can be learned. But this requires awareness and practice. Change does not happen overnight. Based on this, we can say that saving a relationship is possible even in the case of a lack of empathy. But this requires cooperation from both partners. The first step is openness.
Next, we will give real advice and useful tips on how to develop empathy effectively. 👇
Practice attention and presence
The basis of empathy is real attention. This means that you do not just hear the other person, but you also try to understand them. To do this, slow the conversation down.
Turn off distractions. Look at your partner, and let them finish what they want to say. Even this simple step strengthens connection.
Reflection and clarification
One of the most effective techniques is reflection. Briefly repeat what you heard. For example: “So you are saying that this hurt you.”
This helps avoid misunderstandings. The other person feels that you are listening. If you did not understand correctly, they have the chance to clarify.
Becoming aware of emotions
You cannot understand other people’s feelings if your own are not clear either. That is why self-reflection is important. Notice what you feel in different situations.
It can help if you spend a few minutes on this every day. You can even write down your feelings. This can be especially useful if the topic of alexithymia and relationships comes up too.
Practicing perspective shift
Try to consciously see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself: “What might they be going through right now?” This develops cognitive empathy.
The lack of cognitive empathy in a relationship often comes from this. If you strengthen this skill, misunderstandings will decrease. Arguments will also be less sharp.
Slowing down in conflict situations
During an argument, we can easily lose empathy. Then our emotions take over. It is important to slow down consciously at times like this.
Take a deep breath, and do not react right away. Give yourself time to understand. This helps you not only react, but also connect.
Boundaries and self-protection
Empathy does not mean that you have to put up with everything. Healthy boundaries are important, because if you constantly put yourself last, you will burn out.
This is especially important if the question comes up whether it is a lack of empathy or just selfishness. Selfishness is in many cases a choice: the person consciously puts their own interests ahead of others. In contrast,
a lack of empathy is often not intentional, but comes from an underdeveloped or missing skill.
That is why selfishness is more of an attitude, while empathy is a developable ability that can be strengthened through learning and practice.
With a professional or on your own
If the situation lasts a long time, it is worth asking for help. Couples therapy or relationship counseling is often an effective solution for lack of empathy. A professional helps build new communication patterns, because they can see the situation from the outside, so they can help faster and more accurately. Also, both people can speak without interruption here. The professional makes sure that neither partner is pushed aside.
But if you want to walk this path on your own, that is also possible - you may need individual therapy. It is important to know:
Therapy is not just talking. It also teaches practical tools. For example, the use of “I-messages” or reflection.
I-messages are a form of communication in psychology where you express your own feelings and needs without blaming the other person. They help with assertive, conflict-reducing communication because they are less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person.
These help make sure your words do not sound like an attack. The other person can then connect more easily, so empathy becomes a practice, not just a theory.
And if you want to grow completely on your own, without a professional, head to the nearest bookstore:
Book recommendations for developing empathy
If you want to work more deeply on empathy, it is worth turning to reliable professional literature. A lack of empathy in a relationship can not only be recognized, but also developed through conscious learning. The books below offer practical and theoretical help with this.
Nonviolent Communication - When the Giraffe Dances with the Jackal
– Serena Rust
A great book about nonviolent communication. It clearly shows how you can express your feelings while still connecting with the other person.
Helps avoid attacking communication
Gives concrete sentence patterns
Can be used right away in everyday life
Attached – Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
If you want to understand why empathy does not work in certain situations, this book is a good choice. It explains relationship difficulties through attachment patterns.
Easy-to-understand psychological background
Helps you recognize your own patterns
Explains different emotional reactions
How Do You Love? – Lukács Liza
This book explains attachment styles in detail. It clearly shows how different love languages work in human relationships.
Clearly and engagingly presents the forms of attachment styles
Helps you organize your knowledge about love languages
Helps you connect with others more consciously
The Empathy Effect – Roman Krznaric
This book offers new perspectives on the concept of empathy. It is especially useful if you want to see more deeply the differences between empathy and compassion.
Encourages perspective shift
Helps you connect with others more consciously
Inspiring and thought-provoking
How do you choose?
If you are just starting to deal with the topic, it is worth beginning with a practical book. If you already have some self-awareness experience, the deeper theoretical works can also give you a lot.
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between lack of empathy and selfishness?
A lack of empathy is more of a missing skill, while selfishness is often conscious behavior.
Can someone be empathetic with others, but not with their partner?
Yes, because close relationships carry more emotional weight.
Can I learn to be more empathetic?
Yes, empathy can be developed with conscious practice and feedback.
How should I communicate with a partner who is not empathetic?
Use “I-messages”, and avoid blaming.
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