If you have ever found yourself asking these questions after a conflict or conversation, especially with someone important to you, you may have experienced the psychological manipulation called gaslighting. This behavior does not work through shouting or open hurt - it is much more subtle: it builds quietly and gradually into relationships. Its effect is that you slowly start questioning your own reality without noticing it.

What does gaslighting mean?

Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior in which someone, consciously or unconsciously, tries to influence another person by making them doubt their feelings, memories, or perceptions.

The goal is to break self-confidence and distort the victim's sense of reality (Stern, 2007).

The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, whose film adaptation shows a husband trying to drive his wife mad on purpose, for example by turning down the gas light and then denying that anything changed. The woman slowly starts to doubt herself.

In today's world, you do not need to dim gas lamps to confuse someone - a few repeated lines are enough: 'You are overreacting.'; 'That's just how you see it.'; 'You misunderstood again.'; 'I never said that.'

Where and when does gaslighting happen?

This form of manipulation can appear in any relationship, whether it is a romantic relationship, a parent-child relationship, a workplace relationship, or even a friendship. It is especially common in situations where one side seeks a power advantage, or wants to control the other (Sweet, 2019).

Gaslighting is not just a personal game, but often it is woven into social patterns. Power imbalances, such as gender-role expectations or a patriarchal structure, can provide fertile ground for this form of emotional manipulation.

Keeping control and downplaying the other person's perceptions and feelings is often not random, but fits well into relationship scripts built on dominance and obedience (Sweet, 2019).

Romantic relationship

Romantic-partner gaslighting often appears subtly and gradually: at first the partner 'just' questions the other's feelings ('Are you sure you experienced it like that?'), then later denies or twists past events ('I never said that', 'You are imagining it'). The victim slowly loses trust in their own perceptions, and more and more adjusts reality to the partner's interpretation.

Because intimacy and emotional attachment are present in romantic relationships, the effect of gaslighting is especially damaging: emotional dependence and the desire for love make it hard to keep distance or leave the relationship. This dynamic often repeats in cycles, with manipulation being followed by occasional apologies, kindness, or emotional closeness, which can confuse the victim even more (Sweet, 2019).

Parent-child relationship

Gaslighting can appear not only in romantic relationships, but also in parent-child relationships. A parent can, for example, repeatedly question a child's memories, feelings ('You made that up', 'I never said that'), which can over time damage the child's sense of reality and self-confidence. These patterns can be reactivated in adulthood, especially in relationships where the partner uses similar mechanisms (Sweet, 2019).

Workplace relationships

Gaslighting is not limited to intimate relationships. It can also happen at work, especially in hierarchical relationships. A manager, for example, may consistently deny past decisions or blame employees for things that are not their responsibility. This kind of psychological manipulation can undermine an employee's sense of reality, performance, and self-esteem, especially if others also side with the abusive person (Rayner & Cooper, 2003).

Digital space

Gaslighting is also present in digital spaces, often in harder-to-recognize forms. The perpetrator may delete previous messages, deny video calls, or reshape the flow of online conversations, so the victim may easily start doubting their own memories. The cyber gaslighting form is especially hard to catch, and often isolates the victim from their own reality even more strongly (Henry & Powell, 2018).

Who is likely to use gaslighting?

Gaslighting is not limited to people with mental illness, but research shows that it is often linked to certain personality traits.

It can be especially common among people who show narcissistic, avoidant, or antisocial tendencies - meaning they have a hard time handling criticism, have little empathy, or try to avoid emotional vulnerability.

These people often cannot take responsibility for their own mistakes, and try to keep control in the relationship by blaming others or distorting the other person's sense of reality (Glasser & Egan, 2008).

It is important, however, to note that gaslighting is not always conscious or intentional abuse. Often it is a learned behavior, deeply rooted in dynamics experienced in childhood or dysfunctional relationship patterns.

Sometimes the person using it is not even aware of how negatively their behavior affects the other person's self-image and sense of reality (Stark, 2018; Sweet, 2019).

This is especially true in cases where emotional manipulation was normalized in the person's past experiences, for example growing up with controlling or emotionally unavailable parents.

Who can become a victim?

Gaslighting is never the victim's fault; responsibility always lies with the manipulative person. At the same time, psychological research shows that certain personality traits and past experiences can make someone more vulnerable to this kind of emotional abuse.

People who are especially empathetic, very adaptable, prone to avoiding conflict, or living with low self-esteem often accept other people's point of view instead of their own.

This is especially common if they learned in childhood that their feelings were not valid, or if they encountered rejection, inconsistency, or too much criticism instead of safe relationships. With this background, it is easier for them to lose trust in their own perceptions and to blame themselves for the conflicts or uncertainty that arise (Breines, 2022).

The manipulative person can use this openness and self-doubt to slowly and gradually build control. One of the key elements of gaslighting is that it is not a one-time act, but a repeated, almost invisible process, in which the victim learns to undervalue their own inner compass and increasingly relies on the other person's version of reality.

Why do they do it?

One of the main drivers of gaslighting is gaining or keeping control over another person. Someone who successfully makes their partner unsure of their feelings, memories, or sense of reality can more easily impose their will in the relationship. In such a dynamic, the victim gradually loses inner security and autonomy, becoming more suggestible, easier to direct, and - from the abuser's point of view - more 'manageable' (Dutton & Painter, 1993; Dutton & Goodman, 2005).

In many cases, manipulation is used so that the perpetrator can avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

Instead of facing their mistakes, criticism, or emotional vulnerability, they shift the focus to the other person: 'you are overreacting', 'you misunderstood', 'the problem is you'.

This allows them to preserve the illusion of superiority and keep their own positive self-image - in front of others or even in front of themselves. So distortion of reality does not always come from conscious cruelty, but often serves to hide their own insecurity, self-esteem problems or emotional immaturity (Dutton & Painter, 1993).

The abuser often presents themselves as the one who stands for common sense and 'reality', while labeling the partner's feelings as irrational or exaggerated. This allows them to control the shared story and reinforce their own dominance, not only in the eyes of the victim but also in the eyes of the outside world (family, friends, authorities). At the same time, the dynamic power field grows even stronger, where the manipulated person gradually loses their sense of reality and their own ability to judge (Stark, 2018; Sweet, 2019).

What does the victim go through?

People who live for a long time in a relationship burdened by gaslighting gradually lose their inner sense of safety and their identity.

Because of constant manipulation, questioning of their reality, and ongoing emotional uncertainty, their self-confidence weakens, and it becomes harder and harder to tell what really happened and what the partner distorts or denies. In this situation, doubt becomes a constant companion: they doubt their own memories, feelings, and judgment.

This state leads to deep inner conflicts, shadowed by guilt, shame, anxiety, and hopelessness (Sweet, 2019).

Imagine a woman who, for years, hears lines from her partner such as: 'you always overreact', 'you are just imagining things', 'there is nothing wrong with you, you are just being dramatic'. These lines are not just words, but tools that slowly weaken her self-esteem and sense of reality. Over time, the woman begins to believe that she is the one with the problem, that her feelings are not valid or are excessive. Because of this, she becomes less and less willing to express her opinion or share her feelings, fearing that they will again be rejected or dismissed.

This process leads to withdrawal: the victim gradually moves away from the outside world, becomes distrustful of their own decisions, and relies more and more on the opinions of others, losing their own independent judgment. The psychological burden on a person living under gaslighting keeps growing, and this constant tension can easily cause chronic stress, which may lead to symptoms of anxiety disorders, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In more severe cases, this mental state can even lead to a crisis of self-esteem or loss of identity, making it even harder for the victim to leave the abusive relationship (Sweet, 2019).

How can you get out from under the effect of gaslighting?

(Learning Network, n.d.)

1. The first step: recognition

Awareness is key. It helps to notice whether there are recurring situations where you doubt your own perceptions or feelings. Do you often feel confused and uncertain after a conversation?

2. Keeping a journal

Write down the specific situations, what the other person said, and what you felt. This helps you regain your sense of reality and makes patterns easier to see.

3. Setting boundaries

Learn to say: 'I experienced it differently', 'I have the right to my feelings'. These simple but firm lines can help mark the mental space you do not want to give away.

4. Outside feedback

Talk to people you trust - friends, a therapist, or a supportive community. They can confirm that what you went through was real, and that you are not alone.

Therapeutic support

Gaslighting can cause serious damage to self-image over time. Therapy can help with this, for example schema therapy, the cognitive behavioral therapy or trauma-processing methods. The goal of therapy is not only to leave the victim role, but also to rebuild inner safety and confidence.

Gaslighting is a subtle, invisible form of abuse that often goes on for years. Yet there is a way out. The key is recognizing it, validating our own feelings, gradually rebuilding self-confidence, and consciously protecting relationship boundaries.

You are not too sensitive. You are not imagining it. And you are not alone.

Everyone has the right to feel safe in their relationships - and the first step is to believe that what we feel matters.

Frequently asked questions

What is the essence of gaslighting?

A manipulative behavior in which someone questions another person's feelings, memories, or perceptions to make them unsure and gain control over them.

In what situations can it happen?

It can appear in romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, workplaces, or even in digital spaces, especially when one side seeks a power advantage.

Who becomes a victim more easily?

Those who are empathetic, avoid conflict, live with low self-esteem, or had their feelings invalidated often as children.

How can you escape its effect?

Recognition, journaling, setting boundaries, seeking outside validation, and getting professional help can all help rebuild inner safety and self-confidence.

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References

Breines, J. (2022). Why Some People Gaslight More Than Others. Psychology Today.

Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: A test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105–120.

Dutton, M. A., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). Coercion in intimate partner violence: Toward a new conceptualization. Sex Roles, 52(11-12), 743–756.

Glasser, I., & Egan, V. (2008). Narcissism and the use of manipulation tactics. Personality and Individual Differences, 44(6), 1368–1375.

Henry, N., & Powell, A. (2018). Technology-Facilitated Sexual Violence: A Literature Review of Empirical Research. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(2), 195-208.

Learning Network. (n.d.). Gaslighting in intimate relationships. Centre for Research & Education on Violence Against Women & Children.

Rayner, C., & Cooper, C. L. (2003). Workplace Bullying: Myth or Reality—Can We Afford to Ignore It? Leadership & Organization Development Journal, 24(1), 24-30.

Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life. Harmony Books.

Stark, E. (2018). Coercive control: How men entrap women in personal life. Oxford University Press.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.